If you are a people pleaser, then you will know that it is exhausting. Your life is about making sure other people are happy!
In those moments we are not speaking up for ourselves, or even being ourselves. We are so worried what other people might think or say about us, that we decide it is easier to conform, avoid conflict and just do what pleases them. We contort ourselves into being someone that makes them more comfortable, just think about the women who is so desperate to ensure that everyone around her is happy, that she puts her needs last. She becomes the daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend that those around her need her to be, what she thinks and what she needs doesn’t even come into it.
The only trouble is, this is not who she is and so now she feels uncomfortable in her own skin. She is emotionally and physically exhausted because her boundaries are being over stepped and she is not living in a place of truth and alignment! She begins to lose who she is and questions herself at every turn. She is lost and confused and this is when I tend to hear clients say ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’.
Very often it then leads to anger, resentment, hurt and disappointment towards the very people you have been trying to please for so long….. family, friends and clients. You struggle to understand how someone could have treated you like that.
So let’s look at some classic signs of a people pleaser:
- You say yes when you really want to say no
- You don’t speak up when you disagree with someone, or when they have crossed your line
- You do something that violates your boundaries and beliefs
- You’re afraid to express what you want and need
- You would change your own plans to accommodate someone else
So why do we people please and put others before us:
- Fear of judgement, rejection and criticism
- We don’t want to lose clients or upset them
- We worry about losing out on the income
- We want to be accepted, belong and fit in
- We do everything we can to avoid conflict and arguments
- All of the above makes us feel ‘safe’ and its become a bad habit
When you can let go of these, and identify what you are trying to protect yourself from, you can become free.
We think that by being a nice person we somehow deserve to have nice things happen to us and it can be confusing and frustrating when life throws us huge curve balls and challenges! The trouble is, if we people please out of fear, then we are not coming from a place of love or authenticity….we may make other peoples lives easier, but the impact can be seen and felt on our own. So who is more important… them or you?
“No matter who you are, fighting with a loved one is miserable. But sensitive people tend to feel extra anxious when conflict arises — and an internal battle takes place. We feel torn between speaking up for what we believe is right and sitting back so we don’t provoke an angry reaction from the other person. Often we subjugate our own needs because we’d rather ‘go along to get along’ than fight” – Jenn Granneman
There have been times when I have been very critical of myself for taking the path of least resistance, especially when it meant backing down on something that was so important to me.
But like many people, conflict makes me anxious – It’s like walking on egg shells and it can make me feel as if I have to watch what I say, do and believe in. Some people and situations obviously make this worse… and its something I am getting much better at dealing with!
I also now know that its more than just avoiding conflict, its because as a sensitive soul, I feel the energy within the other person and what they need, or are striving for and in those moments I choose to put them first!
Although this seems like a ‘nice’ thing to do, a healthy balance is required so that we don’t feel resentful, undervalued, unheard and as if we are violating our own values and beliefs. Only you will know where the line lies, but, if it’s important to you, then you need to speak your truth and own it. Set the intention that the other person will hear what you have to say and be receptive to it.
It can all be done with love!
Until next time!
EFT Practitioner & Energy Worker
Helping the empowered woman who is ready to banish negativity, self-doubt & self-sabotage forever – time to believe in yourself and take action!