“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.”
~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
It’s not enough to have a dream, you have to remove all the emotional and energetic blocks that stand in the way between where you are and where you want to be. You need to have the strength, resilience and inner conviction to move past every limiting belief, story and fear, to ensure you never lose sight of who you want to become and what you want to achieve.
It’s more than simply having a plan and taking focused action, it’s about knowing with every fiber of your body that you deserve your dream life, and that it WILL happen for you. There can be no doubt if you’re to have everything you desire and become the person you’re capable of being.
Your dream is possible and it’s happening for you…. we just need to remove self sabotage!
Sabotage is where the conscious and subconscious mind are working in conflict with one another. For example, consciously we talk about wanting better health, more wealth and greater happiness, but subconsciously we are doing everything we can to ensure this never happens. Although we feel we are doing everything right, we are in fact setting ourselves up for failure, we just can’t see it.
Self sabotage is highly destructive and unfortunately very common.
Ironically, if someone were to even suggest to us that we might be sabotaging our own health, wealth or happiness, we would argue strongly against this and probably think the other person was ‘looking for a fight’ or wasn’t being supportive. We would also assume the other person doesn’t know what they are talking about and doesn’t have all the facts…. but often they can see what we can’t, or what we refuse to see.
Sabotage can be a really sneaky thing, because often our personal flavour of sabotage is hidden in our blind spots. Either we chose not to see what is right in front of us, or the behaviour and beliefs are so deeply ingrained, we just can’t see it. Allowing ourselves to connect with our emotional pain or trauma of the past, can often feel too big, scary and overwhelming. We will do anything we can to avoid pain and so the cycle continues.
What we need to do now is identify what it looks like, why you might engage in this behaviour and then look at how you can break the cycle.
What does self sabotage look like?
Before we dive into this, I just want to be clear that I am in no way preaching to you! I struggle with self sabotage as much as the next person, but I am now much more aware of when I am doing it, what it’s really about and how to move past it!
All of the examples below are things I see my clients and people around me deal with all the time. The reasons behind the act can be very different, because we all have unique psychological needs that we are trying to meet, but how it looks is very similar:
- Procrastination – you know that you should be doing something, but you constantly put it off.
- Not doing something that you know is good for you – getting enough sleep, drinking water, eating a balanced diet, taking your supplements, going to the gym, taking a break.
- Giving into fear – the fear can make you believe that you will make bad decisions, that people might judge you or that you could fail.
- Addictions – using drugs, drink, cigarettes, caffeine, sugar and junk food to ‘numb out’. These are distractions and the perfect way to delay life
- Conflict – life is flowing, money is coming in and you are feeling pretty happy with yourself. This is an unfamiliar feeling for you and so you decide to create some drama!
- Playing down your abilities – when you start playing down your abilities to others and yourself, you don’t have to step into that next version of you.
- Putting obstacles and challenges in your path – and making them bigger and more complicated than they need to be.
- Negative self talk – when you tell yourself that you can’t do something, or shouldn’t do something you are playing into the hands of self sabotage. Your conscious mind starts to believe that you are not smart enough, clever enough, or good enough and so it keeps you trapped.
Why do we self sabotage?
So now we know what self sabotage looks like, lets take a closer look at why we may be choosing to do this.
- I don’t believe I deserve it – this connects in with low self esteem and when life suddenly looks and feels too good for us, we begin to self sabotage to take it back down to a level that feels comfortable and acceptable.
- Limiting beliefs – if our predominant thoughts are negative and are limiting, we will allow ourselves to believe the negative thoughts, such as; I am too old, I am not clever enough, I can’t earn money that easily and good things don’t happen to people like me.
- Benefits of staying stuck – when I ask people what are the benefits of staying stuck, they look at me like I have grown horns! They reply that there are no benefits to being overweight, for not earning the money they want and there are certainly no benefits of being in a relationship that is toxic and dysfunctional……. BUT…. the truth is there are plenty of benefits if you know what you are looking for!
- We are driven by perfectionism – we are so scared of failing and everything not being perfect, that we decide it is less emotionally painful to stay stuck in life.
- We can remain in control – knowing what to expect from life is very reassuring, even when it is no longer good for us.
- Secretly we like the drama and excitement – we all know people in our life who are always dealing with a drama and you get the sense that secretly they quite like it.
- Happiness set point – psychologists often refer to this as the amount of happiness we will allow ourselves to experience. Although certain events can obviously cause us to feel very happy, or very sad, we will always return to a set point.
How can I break the cycle?
We have seen above that there are many reasons for self sabotage, so by getting to know yourself better, you will be clear on your triggers and eventually how to successfully side step them. This will take time and practice, so don’t worry if you feel like you are slipping up and not moving forward as quickly as you would like.
Remember, don’t judge yourself for previous choices. There can be an immense amount of shame connected to recognising and admitting that we might in fact be destroying or sabotaging our own future. When you decide that you’re going to become more self aware and a deliberate creator of your own life, you’re taking your power back and breaking the cycle.
So here are some practical things that you can do:
- Become more aware and curious about why you do certain things.
- Begin to reflect on what you are really trying to achieve by the things you do and say.
- If you recognise that you are about to self sabotage, count to 10 or leave the room before you speak/reply/act.
- Know that you can choose differently next time. This takes an immense amount of pressure off you.
- Meditate – get yourself connected to what you really want and begin to feel the power you have inside you. Everything you want is possible, you just have to believe in yourself and know that you deserve it.
- Use EFT, Kinesiology or meditation, to see if you can get underneath what is really going on.
Working through self sabotage is powerful and transformational work….if you’re ready to embark on this journey, I would love to walk alongside you. Check out how you can work with me here.
Until next time!
Helping you banish negativity, self-doubt & self-sabotage forever – it’s time to believe in yourself, take action and create the life you deserve.
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