“When you start to wonder whether you can trust someone or not, that is when you already know you don’t”.
I need trust in my life. This is a non negotiable for me and without it I will never feel able to give all of myself to another. There will be parts of who I am and what I think, that I will always hold back because the relationship doesn’t feel safe to me.
Trust is so difficult to build and yet so easy to break. When you have someone’s trust in the palm of your hand, treat it with the respect it deserves, because it really is one of the most precious gifts you will ever be given by another. Abuse this and you risk losing that person from your life, or only having the shell of them.
This blog was an important one for me to write because I see so many people struggle with trust issues, plus as I have already shared, I’m not one to trust easily myself. Challenges around trust can be found in many intimate relationships, but also with friends, family, colleagues, clients, and let’s not forget trusting ourselves. It can even extend to things such as not trusting that god/the universe/source will be there for us. The topic of trust is huge and it’s critical that we move past this.
For the sake of ease, this post is going to focus on the more intimate relationships we have, but the theory can be applied to anyone.
So often we think trust is about another person not outwardly lying to us, or not engaging in an emotional or physical affair, but in fact trust is so much deeper than that. Which is why I believe that so many people have trust issues and feel so confused about why they are struggling to trust.
For example, clients will often say that their partner has never cheated before, or never given them cause to suspect this. Or maybe they have been honest about the past, but they still can’t bring themselves to fully trust them. Both partners end up confused and frustrated, because they are not looking at the bigger picture of what it means to have a relationship that is built on trust.
As with many other things, the foundations of trust are rooted in our childhood, or as a result of something we have experienced earlier in life.
Consider the young baby or child who cries and is confident that when they cry, someone will come and tend to them. Perhaps we would be fed, have our nappy/diaper changed, we would be soothed or comforted in some way. We began to trust that someone would always be there for us, hear us and meet our needs and so this continues as we get older.
Not all children are lucky here I know. Many are neglected or abused and already this lack of trust begins. Every event or episode that happens thereafter reinforces the fact that people can’t be trusted and sometimes even those closest to you. We have all walked an individual and personal path and each of us will have our own rules around what trust means, based on what we have witnessed or experienced.
Whatever you are struggling with at this moment and whatever brought you to this point, you need to explore your rules around trust. There is no right or wrong, so don’t judge yourself for your ‘rules, just accept what is. Once you are clear on the rules you have been living by and the unspoken expectations you have placed on others, it will helped you to understand your triggers, control how you respond and of course build better relationships through open and honest communication.
So let’s look at what trust can mean. Remember it’s different for everyone:
- You won’t cheat on me with another person – emotionally or physically
- You won’t lie to me
- You won’t say one thing and do another
- I can feel that you’re in integrity with yourself
- My heart is safe with you
- You won’t select what information to ‘feed me’
- You won’t take action based only on your own best interests
- You won’t withhold from me – emotionally, or when it comes to information
- You won’t tell me one thing and do another – your words and actions must match up
- You will show up when you say you will
- I can rely on you to be there when I need you
- You will do what you say you are going to do
- You will be consistent. Don’t just do something when its easy, convenient or there isn’t someone better to spend time with
- When you leave you will return and you won’t abandon me
- You won’t allow me to struggle with everything in our shared life, because you need sleep, a rest or just can’t be arsed
- If I confide in you, my words will go no further
- That you can hold space for all of my emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly
- That you will be fully present when we are together and when I am talking. In those moments social media, checking emails, or the news or playing on your phone, is not more important than me
- When I talk you really listen. So many people think listen is just maintaining eye contact or nodding, it’s about feeling what I say, not waiting to jump in to have your turn or justify something. I want you to hear me. Please don’t tell me how I feel or declare that you know me better than I know myself!
- You will do your best to meet my needs
- That even on a day when I am being irrational, you’ll still be there
- When I’m lashing out because I’m hurt, you won’t hold it against me
- You won’t turn your back on me when I am going through a tough time and I’m not myself
I know from personal experience how exhausting it can be when we struggle to trust others. We feel like we have to do everything ourselves, that we have no one who truly understands us, we have no support and that we are very much alone. This is no way to live, so deciding that you are ready to explore this and heal this, is the most empowering thing you will ever do!
I also want to be clear that trust is a two-way thing, you can’t expect trust from someone if you are not willing to demonstrate trust. Have I let people down in the past and failed to be everything I demanded of them….of course. We are all human and we’ve all made mistakes, but I’m always committed to becoming more self aware, more loving and growing as a person. I believe that we all deserve second chances, but if the violation is too big, or it just keeps on happening, then you (or the other person in your life) may have some decisions to make.
Any relationship without trust is toxic and draining.
So what can you do:
- Be really clear on what trust means to you. Ask yourself if you have ‘rules’ around what is and is not acceptable from those in your life. Remember not to judge yourself, we all have rules based on our life experiences.
- Remember that people are not mind readers and so there may come a time when you need to have an open and honest discussion with your partner, friend or family member. Tell them what trust means to you or what you need from the relationship.
- Know that it’s okay to set and enforce boundaries. When we choose to stay quiet and in victim mode (yep been there) it doesn’t help anyone and actually impacts the connection even more. Often beyond repair.
- Trust your intuition – there will be some people who will do everything that can do ensure the trust remains strong, but by the same token, there will be people who as much as they promise otherwise will only ever self serve. You have a choice to make… are you prepared to have someone in your life who you cannot fully trust or rely on?
- It is very important that you trust yourself. It could be that you are still feeling bruised from the past, especially if you didn’t listen to your intuition. Forgive yourself and accept you made a mistake.
- If a lack of trust stems from a situation or person from the past, remember that your current friend or partner is not the person that wronged you. Do your forgiveness work and let the past go, otherwise it still has control over you! EFT and Energy Healing is amazing for this and as always you only have to reach out and ask for my help.
Try this EFT video on trust to see if you can get some better insights into what is going on for you. Pay attention to the memories, emotions and phyiscal sensations that it brings up. Remember laughing, crying and yawning are all normal, so just allow the flow of emotions and see what comes up.
A lack of trust can stem from so many things – negative mindset, low self esteem, always people pleasing, fear and much more. If you know that you need more help and support with this, then check out my website to see how we can work together further.
Until next time!
Helping you banish negativity, self-doubt & self-sabotage forever – it’s time to believe in yourself, take action and create the life you deserve.
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