“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life – is the source from which self-respect springs.” (Joan Didion)
Some people just intuitively know how far they can push us and exactly what to say or do, to get what they want or need. It can leave us feeling exhausted, violated and at times unsafe. This can happen in all areas of life, but it can be the most confronting and triggering when it happens in our relationships and our intimate life.
In order to assert our boundaries, we first have to have clarity on them and then we have to find the courage to speak up. For many of us, especially the recovering people pleasers and ‘good girls’, it can bring up lots of fear and old trauma. Especially if you’ve dealt with people who have overstepped in the past and breached your emotional, energetic or physical boundaries.
Does this sound like you?
You know you should speak up, as your whole body is screaming no, but you’re caught in a trauma response. Somehow you’ve digressed to a younger version of yourself who didn’t know she could say no and now can’t find her voice. You’re frozen in fear and just hoping that the experience will end… this can happen even in relationships/experiences with loving partners.
You want to assert yourself, but you’re scared to speak your truth. You worry that your partner will judge, reject or criticise you and you’ll end up alone. Not feeling enough for your partner is very common here.
You want to have the freedom to choose what you desire and what you enjoy, but instead you put the other person first. This is all about keeping the peace and avoiding conflict or tricky conversations (Maybe where you feel you can never win!)
You want your partner to find you attractive, to desire you and choose you over anyone else. You fear saying no could change that, or that they might seek fulfilment elsewhere, especially if this is a choice they made in the past.
It’s so confusing and exhausting. You end up feeling resentful at the people who you perceive are taking advantage of you, but in reality, you’re the one allowing it. I want you to know that you’re not alone in this, and as shared above, often our choices are a trauma response. It’s why it’s so unhelpful when people say ‘just speak up and say no’, ‘what are you waiting for?’, or ‘why is this such a big deal?’. Sometimes we just don’t know consciously what the issue is, but our body is definitely remembering something and so it’s coming from a place of fear and survival.
To fully enjoy a deep connection with our partner and have an amazing intimate life, we need to have boundaries. When we’re able to say no, it makes our yeses even more powerful. This is when our partners know we’re really into something and our pleasure is genuine.
Can you imagine how different your intimate life (and your relationship) would feel and be for you, if you said how you really felt and if you did what was right for you more of the time? I suspect this would be exciting for your partner too, to see you fully in your body, in the moment and lost to pleasure.
If this post has touched a nerve and you’re feeling that something has been activated within you, please know that I am always here to help.
