Do you have moments where you feel as if people walk all over you and the worst thing is, you let them? If this sounds like you, then you’re not alone, I’ve done this countless times in my life and as a recovering people pleaser, it’s something I always have to watch.
There are many reasons that we fall into the habit of people pleasing; including things like the fear of being rejected, abandoned and alone. Or the fear of conflict, arguments and disagreements. We think that keeping other people happy will protect the relationship, and in doing so it will keep us bonded to the other person and hence safe, but the reality is often very different.
People pleasing is an endless cycle where we feel like we’re walking on egg shells because we’re always trying to be what someone else wants us to be; it’s soul destroying, stressful and exhausting. You’re trying to read their minds, predict and manage their responses; all the while feeling completely unsafe and ungrounded. Is it any wonder that we become ill, depressed and withdraw from people….
When I discovered that people pleasing could actually be a trauma response, it took my breath away. Suddenly the last 4 decades made sense; I could finally understand my behaviour and my resistance to expressing my truth and doing what was right for me. It wasn’t just a case of finding my confidence and taking steps to feel more comfortable, this was a trauma response because all my relationships felt conditional.
Despite all the inner work I had done on myself, this only came to light when I embarked on my trauma training with Gabor Mate; an intensive year long programme so I can now work with others struggling with trauma. I know how powerful these insights have been for me and it was only when I had this understanding that I could heal and show up differently with people. I could finally master those people pleasing tendencies and see them for what they really were.
So what about you?
Are you constantly putting others first, saying yes when you mean no, and biting your tongue to avoid conflict? Feeling used, dismissed, under appreciated, or worse invisible. That’s when the phrase “I feel like a doormat” hits you like a punch in the chest.
As a sensitive soul, I guarantee that you’re not the only one to utter those words or feel that way. One of the most wretched feelings is the anger we feel at ourselves for allowing it to happen. We wonder if we could have done things differently, been more articulate, spoken more loudly, asserted ourselves in a more confident way. Here’s the truth, sometimes it is us and this is when inner work needs to be done, and sometimes it’s simply the nature of the people around us.
This is when we have to decide who deserves a place in our life moving forward. None of this is easy, but I’m here to help when you are ready.
